


Butterflies

by ratherstarryeyed



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: A Proposal, A few innuendos because I couldn't help myself, And I apologize in advance for any and all pain and suffering this causes, And doesn't resolve, And it's wonderful great and fantastic, And then the angst begins, But in conclusion I literally despise Remus and it's entirely my fault, Deceit Sanders is non-binary, Deceit's name is Dee because I'm lazy, Human AU, M/M, Other, Roman is in love with Logan but also wants him to be happy, Sad sad ending, So Logan dates Dee, Some Swearing, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Uhh there's a wedding, Until it isn't, a first kiss, very very very angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 02:55:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20499704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratherstarryeyed/pseuds/ratherstarryeyed
Summary: Dee turned their body so they were facing Logan head-on. “Look up,” they said, not breaking eye contact. “See why I brought you here now?” Logan did see, and his jaw had gone slack because of it.The sky… it was beautiful. Sparkling with billions of stars, each light-years away, Logan thought it might have been one of the most gorgeous things he’d ever seen.Logan hadn’t realized he’d gone silent for nearly a full minute until Dee asked hesitantly, “Do you… like it?” The way they’d phrased the question made it sound like they themself had placed the stars in the sky just for him, just for tonight. It certainly felt that way to Logan, and it would take little convincing for him to believe that it wasn’t only the stars that existed solely for them, but this whole night.Dee loves Logan, and Logan loves Dee. Their lives are like a fairy tale, and it feels to them like nothing could go wrong. And nothing does, until the day that Dee is brought back to reality. Theneverythingdoes.





	Butterflies

**Author's Note:**

> This was heavily inspired by three things:  
1\. a [mini animatic](https://twitter.com/DxsasteroIogy/status/1158499854135549953?s=20) by [@DxsasteroIogy](https://mobile.twitter.com/DxsasteroIogy) on Twitter/[@elii_arts](https://www.instagram.com/elii_arts/) on Instagram  
2\. and by extent the song “Butterflies” by Gabbie Hanna  
3\. my love of both Loceit and angst
> 
> The point: you should absolutely go check out Eli because his art is perfection and you should absolutely go listen to Gabbie Hanna's music because that is also perfection. Carry on now.

_I knew who you were from the start, I just hoped you’d prove me wrong. I could spend all year just letting down my guard while you’re stringing me along._

Dee wasn’t one to look back, and they weren’t going to start now. No matter how much they may have wanted to, they didn’t. They couldn’t. They could only drive on.

They could only drive on, so instead of turning back, they whispered the words they so desperately wanted to say to the wind, knowing that despite every one of their wishes, no one would hear them.

“I love you.”

They could only drive on and on and on as a single tear rolled down their face. “I love you.”

_Gave it our best shot but we just missed the mark, sad to say our love is gone. I could spend all day just picking you apart, but instead, I’ll write a song._

Love was such a strange emotion. It clouded reason and logic, blinded you to things that would otherwise be obvious. Logan hadn’t felt anything like it before he’d met Dee.

It was love that Logan was feeling towards Dee, though it had taken him months to see for himself. In fact, he’d been the last one to know of his little crush on Dee. Everyone else who’d spent time around the two had picked up on it long before Logan himself had, which was a source of endless amusement to Dee. If he was being honest, Logan saw the comic appeal as well.

Even after he’d puzzled out his own feelings, it had taken Logan weeks more to actually begin dating Dee. He’d been nervous, and understandably so. What if he ruined what appeared to be a promising friendship? He’d never forgive himself for that. Was dating them really worth it if it could potentially end in pain and heartbreak? Quite possibly, it wasn’t. Why did anyone ever date if, in all likelihood, the relationship wouldn’t end well? It baffled Logan.

Dee had quickly grown impatient with the way he thought himself in circles, eventually deciding to ask him out themself. As of yet, Logan hadn’t regretted his own decision in saying yes. He was beyond thankful for that and the fact that, so far, his worries remained unfounded.

For the first few dates, he’d treated their relationship as though it were spun from glass. He hadn’t wanted to do anything to risk shattering it, so he’d played it safe. Logan had taken Dee out to dinner thrice, to see a movie once, and then to see a play another time. On their most recent date, he’d been a tad bit more adventurous, taking Dee to a nearby observatory after hearing that they too were fascinated by astronomy. 

But he’d never once mentioned going back to one of their apartments—even just to talk—terrified that something as forward as that could ruin what they had. Logan hadn’t even wanted to risk kissing them, and they’d been dating for two months.

Dee had grown impatient with that too, so this time, they’d decided to take the lead. They didn’t feel the same nervousness about their relationship, not even close. The two of them just clicked. No, Dee didn’t think one wrong move or, God forbid, one kiss would destroy everything. 

What they wanted now was for Logan to feel the same way. Though they doubted one date would change his entire outlook on relationships, they couldn’t help but dream.

On the day of their seventh date, Dee and Logan walked through the streets of the city in comfortable silence. They’d been walking for nearly twenty minutes, but neither had said a word, happy to listen to the cacophony of the city. Though Logan was painfully awkward about the fact that they were now dating, they had been close as friends before that. They understood each other in a way that drew one to the other immediately. Logan hadn’t ever experienced anything like that before, and it was one of the thousands of reasons he had found himself falling for Dee. It was a wonderfully new experience to not need to explain his every thought.

Taking Logan’s hand in theirs, Dee veered suddenly off the street and into an alley. Logan frowned at the change in direction. “Where are you—” Dee shushed him by holding up a finger to their mouth, a mischievous twinkle in their eyes.

Still holding Logan’s hand, Dee led him through a series of increasingly narrow alleyways before slipping out of a final one and into an empty field. Logan was even more confused now. Why had Dee taken him to a field? He turned to them, about to ask just that when they replied to his unanswered question. “You’ll see.”

Logan didn’t say anything after that, following Dee through the overgrown grass. They had dropped his hand moments ago so as to more easily navigate and Logan found himself able to only concentrate on keeping up with them.

By the time Dee stopped at the foot of an unremarkable hill, the sun had completely set. They turned and gestured for Logan to follow. “Just a little farther.”

Logan managed to hold his questions until he reached the top of the hill. Once there though, he asked, “Why are we here?” 

Dee made a humming noise, thinking for a moment as they stared off into the distance. “Wait five more minutes. It’ll be worth it, I promise.”

“Alright,” Logan said skeptically.

Dee smiled at that, unconcerned. “Here, sit down. I brought food out here earlier, I’ll go get it.” With that, they walked over towards a nearby tree, lifting up a blanket beneath it with a flourish. They gestured to it as though to say, ‘Tada!’ 

Logan shook his head as he sat down, amused by their antics. He reclined back onto his arms as he waited, watching as Dee threw the blanket over one arm and picked up the basket of food with the other. “Not going to help me out?” They pouted at him, as though that would convince Logan. It didn’t, and the party in question merely laughed and shook his head. 

Dee rolled their eyes and begrudgingly made their way back to Logan alone.

After laying out the blanket and setting the basket in front of them, Dee sat and patted the spot beside them. “Sit with me.” Logan obliged, shifting onto the blanket. 

Dee turned their body so they were facing Logan head-on. “Look up,” they said, not breaking eye contact. 

Logan didn’t seem like he was going to move any time soon, held captive by Dee’s gaze. They smiled in response to his stillness and placed a hand on his jaw, tilting his head gently upward. “See why I brought you here now?” Logan did see, and his jaw had gone slack because of it. 

The sky… it was beautiful. Sparkling with billions of stars, each light-years away, Logan thought it might have been one of the most gorgeous things he’d ever seen. He couldn’t take his eyes from the sight.

Logan hadn’t seen this many stars in person, not ever. He’d lived in various cities his entire life and though he’d always been fascinated by space, city lights didn’t exactly do the stars any favors and all the pictures and observatories in the world couldn’t possibly do justice to the real thing. 

Logan hadn’t realized he’d gone silent for nearly a full minute until Dee asked hesitantly, “Do you… like it?” The way they’d phrased the question made it sound like they themself had placed the stars in the sky just for him, just for tonight. It certainly felt that way to Logan, and it would take little convincing for him to believe that it wasn’t only the stars that existed solely for them, but this whole night.

“It’s perfect.” 

He brought his gaze back to Earth and was met with Dee’s ever-charming smile. “Good,” they said, the intense pride in their voice enough to make anyone believe that it really had been them who’d laid out the stars. 

Breathless with awe, Logan was unable to think of any other way to respond outside of a kiss. So he closed his eyes and kissed them for the first time, all previous qualms forgotten in the moment. 

Dee returned the kiss immediately, using the hand that had been hovering near Logan’s jaw to pull him even closer. There they stayed, unwilling to let go of each other until they were both desperate for air. 

Panting slightly, they pulled away from each other simultaneously, eyes still sealed shut. Slowly, they opened them, one by one, carefully so as not to shatter the blissful silence. They stared at each other, not saying a word as smiles spread across both of their faces. Dee found themself laughing at Logan’s smitten expression and wrapping their arms around him, locking their lips together once more in a kiss. They tackled him into the grass, taking a short breath before letting out another soft laugh and kissing him again. 

There they stayed until the sun rose over the horizon, tangled together, their faces lit with nothing but the glow of the moon and the stars. Their food lay nearby, ignored as the world outside of the two of them faded away. To Logan, nothing else mattered but Dee and to Dee, nothing else mattered but Logan.

_Said I wouldn’t date for a while, still I couldn’t help but flirt. From the day I kissed your smile, I thought this is gonna hurt._

The next morning, Dee found themself talking to a certain vengeful brother, explaining the events of the night before. They wanted to tell him so much more than they had, but if they did, the brother would be furious. And he was not someone Dee wanted to get on the bad side of.

So Dee gave him the least amount of information possible. Then they left. They couldn’t deal with him, with the implications of what they felt. Not right now. They needed time. Time would sort out their dilemma. It had to. 

Because they were becoming more and more certain that they couldn’t do this. If time _didn’t_ end up solving everything… they didn’t even want to think about that if. That one if would hurt them far too much.

They didn’t think they’d be able to handle it. Not even close.

_This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt. Give it all we can, it’ll never work._

Perhaps he should have slept a little bit, Logan thought to himself the next morning. Despite the joy last night had brought him, he did very much regret not sleeping. He was so exhausted that he’d called in sick to work, knowing that he’d be horribly unproductive if he didn’t. To him, that was far worse than not going at all.

After dealing with that phone call, Logan dragged himself over to his bed, collapsing onto it. Logan drifted into a deep sleep before he could remember to take off his glasses.

When he awoke to an unidentifiable noise, Logan was annoyed. He didn’t know how long he’d slept, but it hadn’t been enough. He was still groggy. On top of that, he was now confused. Something had woken him up. So what was it? 

Logan swung his legs over the edge of his bed, going to rub his eyes before realizing that he still had his glasses on. With a tired groan, he took them off and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before stumbling over to his dresser. After having slept with his glasses on for who knew how long, they were undoubtedly smudged. He couldn’t stand smudged glasses, so a cleaning was absolutely in order.

When his vision was once again clear, Logan decided to see what the source of his disturbance had been. Stifling a yawn, he made his way out to the living room.

“Hello?” Logan asked, not expecting an answer. It was more of a sleepy, instinctual question than anything else.

He was entirely unprepared for a lively, “Logan!” 

The subject of the exclamation blinked in surprise. “Roman? What are you doing here?”

His friend smiled back. “Waiting for you, of course! Nice of you to wake up.”

Logan frowned, still intoxicated with the final dregs of sleep. “Waiting… did you— were you the one who made noise?”

Roman laughed. “If by made noise,” he said, putting the last two words in quotes, “you mean knocked on the door and opened it when you didn’t answer, then yes.”

Still frowning, Logan asked, “Did I not lock the door?”

“I would assume not, as I was able to get in.”

“Right, right.” Logan shook his head, trying his best to think clearly. “Did I already ask what you were doing here?”

“Yep.”

“And you were waiting for me, right,” he nodded to himself, remembering. He kept nodding, seemingly lost in thought.

“Logan? Are you... alright?”

“Hm? Yes. Yes, I am. Just tired. Didn’t get— what time is it?” Logan didn’t wait for an answer, proceeding to check a clock himself before continuing, “Didn’t get more than three hours of sleep.”

Roman shrugged at that. “You just seem out of it. Come on, sit down.” 

Logan blinked. “Yes. Good idea.” He flopped to the couch with a sigh, too tired to keep up his normally well put-together appearance. “Were you just here to... see me then?”

“Mm, duh. You’re my friend. Why wouldn’t I come by to see you?”

Logan couldn’t think up a response to that, so he merely shrugged. He wanted to go back to bed, he hadn’t even slept half the recommended time. “Could you perhaps come and see me at a different time, though?” he asked, trying and failing to hide his grumpiness.

“Aw, don’t be like that. I thought you’d be happy to see me. It’s not like you get much other company.”

“I have Dee,” Logan grouched. “And I just saw them last night.”

“Ah,” Roman said, an air of disdain in his voice. “_Dee_.”

“What’s that tone for,” Logan asked in monotone, turning his head limply toward Roman.

“Nothing.” Roman shook his head in a show of innocence. “Nothing at all.”

Logan rolled his eyes at that, knowing that if he dropped the topic, Roman would bring it back up all on his own. “Alright.”

They both went silent for a grand total of twenty-six seconds before Roman grew so uncomfortable he blurted out, “It’s just that I don’t really think Dee’s a great person for you to be hanging out around. Or dating. Or associating with in any way. Or—”

“I get it,” Logan interrupted. “I get it.”

“You know, I don’t really think you do. If you got it, you wouldn’t be dating them.”

“No, I— Roman, I do believe I can make decisions on who I date for myself.”

“That’s not what I’m saying, it’s just that—”

“What? That what? What could you possibly have to offer me in the way of advice on who I am and am not allowed to date?”

“I—”

Logan raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t trust them.”

Logan actually laughed at that, a harsh, mocking sound. “_You_ don’t trust them? What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

Roman looked very small at that. “Well, I thought that, uh, as your friend, I might offer you… some advice.” He trailed off, shrinking beneath Logan’s glare. 

“Thank you so very much, but I don’t need it. As I said, I can make decisions for myself.”

“I know. But Logan, please, listen to me. People like Dee, they aren’t—”

“Aren’t the type of people I should date?” Logan let the silence hang in the air. “We just went over this.”

“But Lo—”

“Get out.”

“No, no, no, I’m sorry. That’s not what I should have said, and—”

“You’re right. It’s not. Get out.”

“Logan, _please_.”

“Come back later,” he conceded after a moment of deliberation. “I need more sleep to deal with this.”

Roman frowned, debating his options. Logan stared back at him with one eyebrow raised, waiting, and Roman figured that angering his closest friend even more wasn’t the best course of action. So he nodded, got up, and left, all in silence.

_This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt, beware of butterflies they’ll break your heart. _

Roman did return to Logan’s apartment a few hours later, giving his friend long enough to sleep off his anger. He had accepted his apology then, but Roman still felt guilty. He cared so much about Logan, hurting him had been his last intention. If he could go back in time and say everything right, convince Logan of what he knew to be true, he would have.

But it was too late now. Roman would have to live with his mistakes, live with Dee. He’d learn to live with his jealousy of them and with the intrinsic knowledge that they weren’t all that they said they were. He’d live with the fact that Dee was the one living with Logan a few months later, not him. He’d live with the idea that he would be able to see Logan less and less often as time went on. He’d live with having to be the second choice to someone he would give everything for.

He couldn’t change that. No matter how much he wished he could, it would still be his reality. So he would live with it. He didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter, after all. He loved Logan too much to leave him. 

It was too bad that he loved him as something other than a best friend, and it was too bad he couldn’t change that either.

_Told me you’d never been in love, thought that I could be the exception. It was too much to ask of you, I guess I learned my lesson._

While Dee fully realized that Logan hadn’t heard anything that they’d been saying for the past five minutes, they had also long since accepted their boyfriend’s fickle attention span. He clearly had something important occupying his thoughts, and Dee knew their current tale was trivial at best, horribly dull at worst. So they continued talking, paying both Logan’s lack of attention and their own words no mind. It was a relief, really, when Logan stopped Dee in the middle of a sentence, standing up to ask, “Would you like to go somewhere with me?”

Dee shrugged, having grown bored a while ago with the one-sided conversation.“Why not?” They stood as well, placing their hand in the crook of Logan’s offered arm. “Where to?”

Logan gave them a short smile. “You’ll see.”

He walked out of the apartment and led Dee down a series of busy streets before pausing at a less-busy corner. “Put this on,” he said, holding out a blindfold.

Dee raised an eyebrow. “What’s the plan here, again?”

“Nothing like that,” Logan assured them, blushing at the eyebrow raise and its implications. “It’s just so you can’t see where we’re going.”

“Hm.” 

“Just trust me on this.”

“Fine,” Dee agreed with a sigh, wrapping the blindfold around their head. “Don’t let me fall.”

“I would never.” Logan paused, presumably to make sure Dee truly couldn’t see. “Careful, we’re turning now.” With that, he took their hand, leading them into a right turn.

The rest of the walk passed with little conversation. Occasionally, Logan would alert Dee to turns or objects in their path that posed some hazard, and Dee would respond with a casual question or two. As they grew steadily more curious about their final destination, their questions grew more and more heavy-handed. Even when they had been subtle though, Logan never replied with anything more than a vague hint, and Dee would go silent in contemplation of it until the next direction.

After roughly twenty minutes of that pattern, Logan stopped and announced, “I’m going to pick you up now. We’re almost there, it won’t be for long.”

To which Dee responded, “Do I have a choice?”

“No,” came Logan’s mildly amused response. When Dee didn’t object any further, Logan swept their legs from beneath them and lifted them up. “Are you alright?”

“Seems so,” Dee said, twining their arms behind Logan’s neck to hold themself in place.

After making sure it would take nothing less than an earthquake to lodge Dee from his arms, Logan began walking again. It didn’t take more than two or three minutes before he came to a stop and placed Dee back on the ground. 

Immediately, they took a foot and began ran it along the ground. “Grass?” they questioned with a frown.

“Indeed.” The world around Dee then went silent, save for the slight rustling of Logan’s movements. “You can take off the blindfold now.”

They did so, eyes staying shut for a few more seconds as they braced themself for the assault of light left in the sky. Finally figuring there was no use in stalling any longer, they blinked them open, expecting to squint at the sunlight. What they found, however, was that the sun had set and the sky had gone dark. The world was lit only by the moon and the stars, just like it had been the night of their first kiss. If they weren’t mistaken, this was the same hill that had taken place on too. 

That had been the first thing they noticed. The second was Logan, down on one knee in front of them. 

“Will you marry me?” His voice came out as a whisper, like the emotions he felt were preventing his voice from rising above that level.

Dee let out a strangled sound, shocked into silence. “I—”

Logan began to say something, his face open enough for the whole world to see just how nervous he was. Dee interrupted him, knowing there was nothing he could say that would change their response. “Logan. I love you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I couldn’t imagine marrying anyone else.”

“Is that— are you saying—”

“Yes. A resounding _yes_.”

Dee could barely keep themself from crying as they watched Logan slide the ring onto their finger. It felt like a dream, this finally happening. 

But it wasn’t a dream. This was their reality, and Dee couldn’t have been happier about it.

They couldn’t have been happier in that moment, at least. They couldn’t have been happier until they remembered one very, very crucial detail. Once they did, they couldn’t have been more heartbroken.

_I'm bracing for impact, leave my heart intact, I wish you never came around._

When they got back to their now shared apartment, Dee told Logan that they had to go meet a friend, but they would be back in a little while. Logan, still overwhelmed by everything that had happened that night, hardly registered it. He nodded though, so Dee slipped out of the apartment.

They walked a few blocks before coming across a bar. After a moment’s hesitation, they ducked inside.

One of Dee’s least favorite things about being nonbinary and presenting androgynous was that they never knew which public bathroom to use when they needed to have a good cry. They hovered between the two doors for a moment before deciding on using the women’s bathroom. They were wearing a dress today, so they figured at first glance they’d pass more as female than male.

A handful of giggling young women stood in front of the mirror, so Dee kept their head down as they ducked into a stall. They didn’t think they would be able to handle any confrontation in their current state.

Once behind the locked door, Dee couldn’t contain themself any longer. They felt tear after tear running down their face, impossible to stop. Scrambling to pull off a few squares of toilet paper to dry them, they wiped at their face with their hand in the meantime. They’d learned that the trick to keeping your crying near-silent was to dry the tears as they fell. If you did that, you could almost convince yourself that you weren’t crying at all. If the tears didn’t fall more than a quarter of the way down your face, were they ever really there? 

Well, they were, but Dee could at least convince themself that they hadn’t been.

The next few minutes were a frenzy of gathering toilet paper, drying tears, and stifling sobs behind hands. Those few minutes were agonizingly long, and Dee was convinced that any second now, someone would ask what they were doing in there were they okay? Even though they weren’t making much noise, the bass outside could only cover the sound of their crying for so long. Upon realizing this, Dee breathed through a final few shaky sobs and dried up the last of their tears.

They had to breathe. It was all fine. They just had to breathe. There was no reason to cry. 

There was, obviously, but thinking about that would only start up their tears again. Everything was going wrong, and Dee needed to pretend like it wasn’t. If they did that, if they kept faking normalcy, maybe things would work themselves out.

That thought calmed them down enough that they were able to flush the toilet paper they had been holding onto down the toilet and unlock the door. Head angled down, Dee washed their hands and splashed water onto their face, shaking off their hands before wiping most of the water from their face. They took a paper towel and dried the rest up before glancing at the mirror. Their eyes were only slightly red, and Remus wasn’t that observant anyway. He wouldn’t notice a thing.

Letting out a final breath, barely shaky this time, Dee left the bathroom, wound their way through the crowd of people in the bar, and stumbled through the door, reentering the reality of the world outside the bar bathroom.

_New situation with low expectations, you still managed to let me down._

All too soon, Dee arrived at Remus’s door. Taking a few steadying breaths, they knocked. After two minutes of waiting, Dee began to grow impatient, shifting their weight from foot to foot. Remus was never very attentive, usually taking around a minute to answer the door, but two minutes seemed excessive. Dee knocked again.

Not five seconds after they’d done so, Remus opened the door. “Impatient much? Come on Dee, you know you’ve got to give me some warning before dropping by.”

Dee raised an eyebrow. “Do you ever check your texts? Because I told you I was coming an hour ago, darling.” They pushed past him, entering the apartment without ceremony. 

“I was, ah, busy.”

“Do I want to know?” Dee asked, making a face.

“Mm… no.”

Dee’s face screwed up even more as they sat on a ratty couch, their disgust evident. “Right then. I did come by for a reason, so sit down.”

“Ordering me around in my own home? One might draw the conclusion that—”

“Spare me the innuendo.”

“If you say so,” Remus said with a chuckle, plunking himself down next to Dee. “What’s this about? Is it Logan? Roman? Are either of them giving you trouble?”

“No— Well, yes?” Dee had to pause, overwhelmed both by their still sensitive emotions and the bombardment of questions. They cleared their throat. “It’s probably better that I just explain.” Remus looked at them expectantly, gesturing for them to continue. Dee took a breath, speaking quickly, as though the statement were a band-aid they needed to rip off. “Logan proposed.”

Remus’s eyes grew wide. “He did what?”

“Logan—”

“No, I heard what you said, dumbass.” He rolled his eyes, but his exasperation lasted only so long before his excitement returned. “But that’s fantastic! It means you’ve tricked him into loving you so much that he did your job for you!”

Dee’s heart hurt at that. “Sure, but that’s the thing. Logan, he…” They trailed off, second-guessing their confession. Should they tell Remus? He wouldn’t care though, Dee reminded themself. He wouldn’t do anything about it. “Nevermind. You’re right.”

Remus frowned slightly at that. “Something wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong at all.” 

“You know, for someone who’s so good at tricking people into loving them—” Dee winced at his words, growing more uncomfortable. “—that was a shockingly bad lie.”

“It was just a slip-up, Remus. Nothing that concerns you.”

“Are you suuure?” He prodded, leaning closer.

“Yes.”

“You’re not having doubts about doing this, are you? I know you originally agreed because we’re friends, but if you need payment, I can get you money. And you’ve met Roman, haven’t you? You don’t like him, do you? Nevermind, he’s absolutely insufferable. That’s not the problem. So what is?”

“I—” Dee sighed, stopping again to prevent themself from telling him anything. “Nothing. I told you, it’s nothing.”

“Deeee, you can tell me anything. Cross my heart, I won’t say a word.”

“No, I know.”

“I won’t judge.”

“I know.” Dee felt like disappearing between the couch cushions. They never should have even thought about bringing this up.

“So?”

“Fine. I… may have, you know, just sort of… developed feelings for, uh, Logan.” As they had suspected, they regretted saying it aloud immediately.

Remus stayed silent for a moment before repeating himself. “So?”

“So I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Huh.” Remus scratched at his head, thinking. “But you’re still going to.” It wasn’t a question.

“I— I don’t want to.”

“You promised me though,” Remus said with an exaggerated pout.

“I’m aware, but… I don’t know. I just don’t want to break his heart.”

“Aw, you’re going soft on me,” Remus laughed, nudging Dee’s shoulder. When Dee didn’t respond with so much as an inkling of a smile, Remus frowned. “Wait, you’re serious?”

“Yes?”

“Dee. You have to.”

It was all they could do to stop themself from crying. “Isn’t there some other way to get at your brother?”

Remus glared at them. “No. We’re doing this my way. Or would you prefer I told Logan about why you started dating him in the first place?”

Dee felt their heart drop. 

“I mean, it gets the job done. Either way, I’m down. Your pick.”

“Remus—”

“We’re done talking about this. You either break up with Logan or I tell him what your real motives were.”

Dee took had to take a calming breath before responding. “When? I mean, when do I break up with him?”

“I don’t give a fuck. Just do it. Deal?”

“You already made it clear that I don’t have a—” They stopped talking upon seeing the terrifying look on Remus’s face. “Deal,” they said, raising their hands in surrender.

“Great!” Remus popped up from the couch, all traces of the glare he’d previously worn gone. “You can go now.”

Dee forced a smile, unable to form any other words as they left Remus’s apartment. 

This time, they didn’t allow themself to stop in the bar’s bathroom to cry. Agreeing to Remus’s plan had been their choice, they deserved to suffer the consequences of it.

They only wished Logan didn’t have to get caught in the cross-fire.

_Butterflies, butterflies, butterflies will break your heart._

“That’s it. That’s the one.”

Logan raised an eyebrow at Roman’s tone and the fact that it left no room for argument. “Are you certain?”

“Yes, absolutely. Perfect fit, classy, simple, it’s just…” Roman mimed a kiss towards the tuxedo. “I love it.”

“You realize that you won’t know if this is the best one of all the options unless I try on the rest, don’t you?”

“Of course. But nothing could compare to this one. You know I wouldn’t lead you astray here, I want your wedding day to be perfect as much as you do.”

“Fair enough.” Logan ducked back into the dressing room, pulling the curtain shut behind him. “Does that mean you’re warming up to Dee?” Roman could hear the smug smile in his voice and rolled his eyes at it.

“Maybe I have.” He wouldn’t admit that he was actually growing to like them, but he also wouldn’t mention that nagging feeling in the back of his head that still insisted something was off. He’d dealt with that since the beginning, and Dee had yet to give him any proof of his suspicions of them. 

Unless you counted inviting his brother to their wedding and, on top of that, making him their best man. Roman hoped that was nothing more than an unfortunate coincidence. It probably was, Logan would have realized if it wasn’t. Roman should have trusted from the start in Logan’s inability to be wrong more than once a year. That would have saved them both a lot of pain.

Alas, no one was perfect, not even Roman himself.

When Logan pulled the curtain aside, he was still wearing a smug smile. “I’m glad you came around in the end. It would be quite awkward if one of the best men disapproved of the other half of the couple.” He straightened the tuxedo that lay over his arm, turning to go pay for it as though he hadn’t just delivered breaking news.

It took Roman a moment to pick up on the subtext, but he got there eventually. “I’m sorry, did you just imply I was your best man?”

Logan paused and looked back toward Roman. “Yes. I thought it was obvious. Was it not? You are my best friend and therefore my best man. Isn’t that how these things work?”

“Well, yes, but Logan, you’re supposed to _tell people these things_. Generally, you’d ask someone to be your best man, not… drop it on them in an offhand comment.”

“Ah. That would make sense.”

“Yeah, you think?”

“Ye—”

Roman sighed, cutting him off. “Rhetorical question.”

“Right.” Logan cleared his throat awkwardly. “I apologize for any confusion I may have caused by not alerting you to your status as my best man at an earlier date.”

“It’s alright, Lo.” Roman couldn’t stop the grin spreading across his face at the situation. “Really, it’s pretty funny, you telling me this way.”

“Oh? I’m glad you think so?”

Roman merely laughed at that before moving on. “However, this does mean I’m also going to need a fabulously gorgeous tuxedo for myself, and that means you’ve got to stick for just a bit longer.”

Logan gave a small laugh, shaking his head. “If you insist.”

“That I do.”

_But if I, but if I, but if I knew from the start_

The day of the wedding arrived almost unexpectedly. The reality of it hadn’t fully dawned on Roman until the sun rose on August 5th. Logan was getting married. His best friend, the love of his life, was getting married.

And it wasn’t to him. 

Roman had to force himself to go to the wedding after that thought. If he could have, he would have moped in his room all day. But no. He was Logan’s best man and best friend, he wasn’t going to let his own foolish fantasies get in the way of the best day of Logan’s life. So he put on a smile and went to the wedding.

He might have kept himself together for the rest of the day had it not been for Remus. Roman had completely forgotten about him and as a result, had let his guard drop. His smile had become almost natural until his brother appeared behind him, seemingly out of thin air. “Boo,” he said, baring his teeth in a smile.

“Remus,” was all Roman said in response. 

“Did you miss me?”

“Can’t say I did,” Roman said bitterly, trying to walk away and lose him in the crowd.

“Aw, why so little love for me? I’m family, dear Roman.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to like you. Now leave me alone.”

“Come on now, you know I can’t do that. We’re both best men, we’ve gotta stick together.”

“No, we don’t. We have to stick with the people who made us their best men, not each other.” Roman paused with a frown, moving to the corner of the room. “Speaking of, I’ve been meaning to ask you. How _do_ you know Dee?”

“Are you sure you want to know that, Ro?”

Roman hesitated. The smile on Remus’s face as he’d asked that made him nervous. “First of all, don’t call me Ro.”

“Duly noted.” Remus was still smiling.

“And yes. I do,” Roman said, answering quickly before he could change his mind.

Remus shrugged. “If you insist. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He took a breath as though preparing to tell a long, tedious story. “Dee is my friend, my closest friend, actually. We met… well, that doesn’t actually matter,” Remus laughed. “That’s not what you want to know about, is it? You want the juicy stuff.”

Roman cringed at that. “Juicy is definitely not what I’d call it.”

“Whatever,” Remus said, waving away his displeasure. “My point still stands. You want to know why Dee invited me. You want to know why Dee is dating your best friend and somehow also friends with me, and you didn’t believe them when they told you it was all just a coincidence.”

Roman nodded slowly, worried at the conclusions his mind was jumping to. His thoughts began to grow more agitated as Remus’s silence drew on. When he finally spoke again, Roman didn’t think he’d ever been more grateful to hear his brother talking.

“You’d be right. It’s not a coincidence. In fact,” Remus’s smile grew feral, “it was all part of my plan to—”

Roman suddenly wished he’d taken Remus’s warning more seriously. He was certain he didn’t want to hear the rest of this and opened his mouth to say so.

Remus ignored his potential objections completely. “—break your heart.”

Roman felt his blood run cold. He had always known his brother was ruthless, but he hadn’t ever expected him to get someone else involved, much less two other people. Remus didn’t even appear to be done talking. Whatever else he was going to say, Roman wasn’t in any way prepared for it.

“It just so happened that Dee didn’t mind helping me out. Lovely person and a _fantastic_ liar, it also didn’t hurt that they’re a charming bastard who can make anyone fall in love with them. But anyway, they agreed to play the starring role in my little play. Which,” Remus smirked at the look on Roman’s face, “I’m sure you’ve figured out the ending to by now. Haven’t you?”

“No,” Roman said, less as an answer the question and more out of incredulity.

“Oh yes. Dee made Logan fall in love with them. None of that was real. N-O-N-E. _None_.”

Roman gasped at the realization that hit him. “And now they’re going to break his heart.” He shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was.

“Bingo! I knew you’d get it. Brilliant though, isn’t it?”

“You know what? Fuck you.”

“Aw, are you upset? Upset that I got the better of you once again?”

“Get out of my life,” was the only thing Roman could think to say before he pushed past his brother. The only thing that mattered now was finding Dee before they ruined Logan’s life. He couldn’t let Remus win.

But God, he should have trusted his gut. He’d known something was off with Dee. Why hadn’t Logan believed him when he’d told him so? 

Roman answered his own question: Logan hadn’t believed him because Remus was right. Dee could make anyone fall in love with them, even Logan. Logan, who hadn’t dated anyone in his previous twenty-nine years of life, who hadn’t felt anything remotely romantic for anyone until Dee. 

Roman didn’t know how, but somehow, someway, this was his fault. He’d known the whole time, and he hadn’t been able to do anything. 

Useless. He had been useless.

He had to fix this. Now. He refused to be useless any longer.

Roman had nearly given in to his tears when he spotted Dee. He breathed a sigh of relief. He’d be able to set everything right, all he needed to do was talk to them. Roman was certain he’d be able to convince them to do the right thing.

“Dee,” he called, shouldering his way between a few guests as he made his way over to them. “Dee, I need to talk to you.”

They smiled at him, stepping toward a wall, out of the way. “What is it? Is Logan—”

“No, Logan’s fine. For now. This is about Remus.”

“Oh, what did he do now? I hope he didn’t bother you too much.”

“Well, you hope in vain. Any second I spend with him, he bothers me too much. That’s not what I meant, though.” Roman took a steadying breath before spitting out, “Is it true that you, er, seduced Logan because Remus told you to? To… break my heart, as he put it?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dee said, their voice suddenly cold. “If you’ll excuse me, I have other guests to speak to.”

“Don’t play dumb with me,” Roman hissed, taking a step closer to them. “Remus told me about his whole plan himself.”

“He’s just provoking you.”

“Stop lying.”

“I’m—”

“For God’s sake, just tell me the truth. It’s not that hard.”

They sighed, as though they realized they weren’t going to get anywhere if they didn’t tell Roman what he wanted to hear. “Maybe I did.”

“Well, you’re going to have to pretend you really love him for the rest of your life now. I won’t let you break his heart.”

“He’ll get over it,” Dee said with a wave of their hand. “Besides, wouldn’t that allow you to date him eventually? And isn’t that what you want?”

“Yes, but…” Roman shifted uncomfortably. “He loves you. Not me. And I want him to be happy, that’s what matters.”

Dee laughed weakly. “Even if I did get married to him, he’d still get his heart broken. Remus would tell him everything, and I’d say that’s almost worse.”

Roman paused. It appeared that Remus’s plan had been so much more clever than he’d thought. “So no matter what you do… I can’t win?”

“No.” Roman felt the tears lingering in his eyes begin to overflow. “I’m sorry Roman,” Dee said softly. “If there were another way, I’d do it.”

“What, so you don’t want to break his heart anymore?” Roman wiped at his eyes, trying to stop himself from crying. He couldn’t have red, puffy eyes for Logan’s wed— ah. Right.

Dee gave him a sad smile. “It’s Logan. Do you really think I could have _not_ fallen in love with him by now?”

Roman’s mouth fell open. “Oh,” he breathed.

“I don’t want this any more than you do. I’m so sorry.” With those as their final words to him, Dee stepped around Roman. Their smile was somehow secure on their face again, as though their heart wasn’t breaking just as much as Roman’s.

_Why would I, why would I, why would I give this a try?_

Dee didn’t want to do this. They didn’t want to do this at all. The only thing that kept their feet moving was the thought that this was what was best for Logan. Considering all the options, at least. Dee would have far preferred to carry on with the wedding, but they’d made that impossible when they’d agreed to Remus’s plan.

They regretted doing that, more than they regretted anything else in their life.

Stomach churning with nerves, Dee gradually drew closer to door to the bridal suite, the room that Logan had holed himself up in all day. They couldn’t put this off any longer. This had to be done now.

Perhaps, Dee thought, they should have picked a day other than the day of Logan’s wedding to break his heart. They’d been selfish in that respect. They’d wanted as much time as possible with the man they loved, and now they risked hurting him even more. They should have thought this through far more.

It was too late though. They were standing in front of the door. There was no turning back. 

Dee knocked. Feeling someone’s eyes on them, they turned their head to find Remus sending them a grin before disappearing behind a group of people. They shuddered, facing the door again to find Logan poking his head out from behind it. 

“Dee? Aren’t I not supposed to see you until you’re walking down the aisle? It’s bad luck, right?” 

Dee knew that Logan had undoubtedly researched that himself. He cared so much about their wedding that he’d researched a trivial topic that otherwise, he wouldn’t have the faintest idea about. The thought made Dee’s heart ache for him even more.

“No, you’re right, but that doesn’t matter right now. I need to talk to you.” Noticing they were unconsciously wringing their hands, they stilled them, straightening their already impeccable dress instead. “Can I come in?”

“Uh, sure.” Logan opened the door for them uncertainly. He must have known something was off.

Dee gave him what they hoped was a reassuring smile as they slipped inside. “You look nice,” they said quietly, taking in Logan’s appearance. It made them regret not being able to marry him even more if that were at all possible.

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” Logan replied with an amused smile. He was staring. But he shook himself out of it quickly, saying, “Here, sit down.”

“Thanks,” Dee said, awkwardly responding to both of Logan’s statements. 

Ignoring Dee’s discomfort as though he hoped that would help, Logan pressed on. “Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?”

Dee didn’t actually want to talk about it. Especially not now, not with Logan sitting next to them, looking at them with such love and joy in his face… they didn’t think they’d be able to. 

But they had to, so they cleared their throat and braced themself. “I—” They stopped. “I—” Their voice caught in their throat. They had been right. They couldn’t do this.

“Hey.” Logan took their hands in his. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. It won’t change anything. I’ll love you no matter what.”

At least that had given them an opening, they thought bitterly. Dee pulled their hands back, still speaking carefully, still not wanting to cause more pain than was necessary. “That’s the thing. I think… things… _should_ change.”

Logan frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean— What I mean is—” They swallowed hard. “We shouldn’t get married.”

“Is today too soon? We can change the date if you’d like. I’m sure the guests will understand, and we can get refunds, I’m sure. It shouldn’t be too much of a problem if that’s what you want.” Logan was rambling. Dee wondered vaguely if the reason for that was because he knew what Dee had meant, deep down. They selfishly hoped that wasn’t the case. They wanted Logan to have more faith in them than that, even if it would end up being misplaced.

“No, that’s not—” They shook their head. “We shouldn’t get married _at all_.”

“At all? Do you mean you don’t want our relationship to seem that restricting?” Logan was still frowning, still making excuses for them. He didn’t believe that it was even possible for Dee to not love him, to not want to be with him. And they didn’t want to have to clarify. 

“It’s not that either. It’s—” They took a breath. There was no coming back from this. “I don’t love you. Not anymore.” When Logan recoiled from them, pain and shock written all over his face, Dee wished they had been more sensitive in their approach. 

“Do you mean that?” he whispered.

“Yes.” The lie hurt their very soul.

“I see.” Logan took one slow breath, then another. “You can leave then. Unless you have anything else to say.”

“I—” They sighed, wishing they could explain themself without making everything hurt more. Maybe they could have, and maybe Logan would have understood, but if he didn’t… they knew they couldn’t have broken his heart in yet another way. And besides, he might not have believed them when they said they really had grown to love him, and— no. They couldn’t have handled it. “I don’t. I’m sorry.”

“Then go. Goodbye, Dee.”

“Goodbye, Lo.”

Dee stood up and walked to the door. Their hand hovered by the handle. They wanted to turn around, take it all back. But they couldn’t. They had to leave.

And so they did leave. They left the room, left the wedding venue, left the parking lot. They got their things from Logan’s apartment, then they left that too. They left the neighborhood, the county, the city, the state. 

Dee wasn’t one to look back, and they weren’t going to start now. No matter how much they may have wanted to, they didn’t. No matter how much they may have wanted to see Logan one last time, give him one last kiss, told him that they really, truly loved him… They couldn’t. They could only drive on.

They could only drive on, so instead of turning back, they whispered the words they so desperately wanted to say to the wind, knowing that despite every one of their wishes, no one would hear them.

“I love you.”

They could only drive on and on and on as a single tear rolled down their face. “I love you.”

_Maybe I, maybe I, maybe I like to hurt sometimes._

**Author's Note:**

> remember: eli is wonderful and so is his art
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ratherstareyed) || [tumblr](ratherstarryeyed.tumblr.com)


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